Marital Bliss: Just be to me-2009

Just be to me is a special piece written to my husband out of appreciation for being so much to me. He took on the task of choosing and loving me so boldly and while still baffled, I am forever grateful.

Just be to me…

Just be to me all that you’ve ever been

My friend; my friend, even when others wouldn’t have been

Sharing with me your thoughts and intellect

Mysteries of things past and things yet to come

Even things that were meant to separate us, but somehow made us stronger

You pastor me, leading me to the only One who can save

Unflinching in your faith in love and in the God of divine design

Pointing repeatedly to Him like the moon accused of possessing a brilliant shine

His brightness emanates from your character even at times you would least expect it

My one and only love

So many came and went

None could quite look past the distractions to discover me

Pry open that stubborn mollusk to extract a lustrous pearl

Somehow you did…I still don’t understand

May your reward be great

My provider, the physical representation of God that works diligently to see my well being

You do it by lending your ears to my uncertainties and fears

Directing me back to the Lord when I loose focus,

By embracing me tenderly in your arms,

Looking deep into my eyes,

Sharing your sincerity,

Offering pure intimacy which my heart truly longs for,

So that despite the issues I deal with at any given time,

I remember that God has given me someone that loves me and lets me love him back.

You are reciprocity, a state of being that I’ve always wanted to attain

I appreciate that. I thank you.

It gives me that contentment

That I can just be and that you can just be to me

All that you desire to be

And to me

That’s all I really need.

I love you, baby. I really do. I hope I can be all of these and more to you.

Love,

tia

Lyrics by tia 2009

Discovered in Friendship: He Is

Written a few days after the last entry, this piece speaks of the excitement I felt in developing a promising and wholesome friendship with a really nice guy. Though my approach may have been faulty back then as someone meant to be pursing friendship, I am so grateful to be validated today. These words remind me of what I appreciate about my husband, things that I had really forgotten about…

Thank God for memoirs. Try creating yours. Just write or type out your feelings and thoughts on a day to day. You'll never know when your own words will minister to you.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006 9:26 am

Today as I gazed at DrAW!'s picture, I imagined being face to face with him...

We're still just friends, right? 'Cause it doesn't feel that way...It feels like something is happening here. I've handled it…without a care, [smiling] at the thought of him and enjoying our conversations…

He shares his understanding of the Word of God so passionately, so appealingly. I feel like i'm being taught brand new, like i've never heard these truths before. I feel spoken to as he addresses my own personal issues and I recognize areas of my life that need to be changed. Compelled to read the Word for a better application of what he's shared,...it's like he's pastoring me...

The way he speaks is refreshing. His voice is like an eloquent medley. It excites me when I have the privilege of hearing it. His chuckle is sooo cute!...He is pretty on-point. I think his smile is grand and it appears that he shows it alot. He seems to know how to appreciate the simple things. He can have a good time and be serious too...and his serous look is almost irresistible...

He seems to be enjoying the friendship just as much as I. Our daily interaction has been rewarding. And in a simple, non-threatening way, he said he wants me to visit home so that we can get to know each other better. He recognized his own fallacies and wants us to meet so that we can view each other realistically. That is responsible...but it brings me to wonder. What will it be like meeting for the first time? Will time stand still as our eyes lock from the distance, straight-faced and in awe, forgetting our surroundings? Haha! Don't I wish! Or will there be all care-free smiles and hugs, excitement in the air especially at the comfort and peace. That would be so much better. I'm smiling just thinking of it. Maybe we'll keep the wonder, awe, and eye locking for a time when we can spend real time together.

I hope i'm not faulty in my approach, though I know i've faltered in this way in the past. But I thought I should make note of how I feel now in the event that they are validated one day.

Discovered in Friendship: Just Friends...

This entry was written merely 1 ½ months of starting a promising friendship with someone who fortunately is my husband today. Honestly, like several friendships past, it threatened to become another ‘friendlationship’, as my approach and responses to guys had not changed. My victory was in that he was different as I would find out with time (See story here).

I share this entry because it shows how many of us draw conclusions prematurely and can ruin authentic friendship. Mine was a long-distance friendship from the very beginning so my only ammunition was his pictures, his voice, and his written words; just enough to create an exciting love affair in my mind! Thank God that He decided to make it a reality :)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

He just [called] me! It feels good when he calls...

Yesterday I figured that he needs some space. I mean we talk practically every day. I thought he was trying to send the message that he will be backing off a little. I understand, I guess, especially since we're just friends and all.

Just friends. I can handle that... Yet, I tend to do things that counter this reality. Pulling up my favorite [picture] of him and staring at it for more than a few seconds, glaring into his eyes and wondering, wondering...wondering what he could be thinking, what he could feel at this very moment. The frow in his brow, the positioning of his soft lips, I wonder what I could do to remove that crease and feel those lips against mine. It's like how can a 'just friend' entertain such thoughts! His eyes so deep, the image so real as it displays his perspiration. I wish to wipe it away with my finger tips and watch his lips part as he grins. I wish to lay my palm upon his cheek and speak to him gently, bringing my face in closer, allowing my forehead to touch his as we engage in intimate conversation. I place my second palm on his other side and craddle is sweet face wishing just to feel his kiss, his look of desire.

It must be wrong to feel this way, especially since I am supposed to be just his friend. I am glad that we were able to talk it out and acknowledge the fact that we left the case open to our individual interpretation of honesty. He told me what he wants in a woman and I fight the urge to try and become her...

Dating and Disappointments: The Other Side of Singleness-2005

The Other Side of Singleness was written while in graduate school almost 2 years before I met my husband. It was written in the midst of a confusing and chaotic friendship with a guy I thank God I was not ordained to be with. It turned out to be a prayer for my future spouse. Definitely a piece that helps me appreciate him now :)

…I trust God to take me to the other side of singleness…but I wonder if I can make the wrong choice or end up with someone that I am not ordained to be with. Oh how I LONG to be with the love of my life—the man who’s company I will enjoy for a lifetime, who I desire to be with, under whose vision I can submit and with whom I can work with and love. Lord, I fear that I could give in to something less than that and be subject to a life wondering if I could have received what I desire. Lord, You know the desires of my heart. I want a man who I can love…love for every aspect of his regular self.

His laugh, his smile,

The way he eats, the thoughts he thinks,

The way he rolls, how his spirit grows,

As he rightly divides the Word of Truth.

His eyes, his hair

The clothes that he wears…

The way he looks at me, his piercing stare.

The fragrance of his cologne.

Hmm, his company when I feel alone.

The tenderness of his kiss, the way I constantly miss him.

His strong hands, the demands of his work,

Faithfully dedicated to what God has appointed him to do.

His drive—oh, it makes me feel alive and a part of a greater calling—

He stalls before he makes a decision. We seek God together with accuracy and precision.

We counter division and God makes provision.

We operate as one as God has ordained. We seek God’s guidance the same.

Our relationship with Christ Jesus sustains us.

We remain in His will and are still as we wait for His direction.

In retrospection, I praise God and my heart overflows with joy.

For all my life I’ve desired love like this, and here it is right before me.

I love you, ______________, and I pray our love grows stronger as we seek the kingdom together.

Love,

tia

Lyrics by tia 2005

Dating and Disappointments: Lord why?-2005

Lord why? was written in 2005 while I was in graduate school as I reminisced over a "friendlationship" that did more harm than good. Sometimes only God has the answer to why we go through certain things. Ultimately He knows better than we do.

Lord why?

Lord, why did I meet him when I met him?

Lord, why was the attraction so strong?

Why did I feel so good about it,

When the whole situation was wrong?

Why did he say all those things to me

As if he himself could for see

That we would have a future together

And that he could actually want me

As a delicate vase upon a stand

With an immature man at hand

He must first grow up and know

How to handle such a delicate being

For 3 months is not enough to know

And our paths cannot really coincide

I see you by my side

Aged and old

Smiles of delight

Enjoying one another’s presence

Learning to give and yet refrain

For maybe another woman ought to bear my name

And you, you’ve got so much to get together

Your attraction to me—now that’s your problem

It doesn’t pay to lead someone on

Lord, why did I meet him when I met him?

Lord, why was the attraction so strong?

Why did I feel so good about it,

When the whole situation was wrong?

Lyrics by tia 2005

Single Hearted: The Betrothal-2004

You will betroth me unto You forever—yes, in righteousness, in judgment…in loving kindness and in mercies. You will even betroth me unto You in faithfulness and I shall know You, the Lord.

Hosea 2:19-20 paraphrased

The Betrothal was written during my senior year in college at the IMPACT 2004 conference out of a determination to end my constant focus on love and relationships and focus on the Lord. Written about 2 years before I met my husband.

Right now, it’s time to see You in a different light…

As Companion and Friend, as Confidante, as Lover, as Husband.

Lord I want to know You

So I truly come to love You with my heart, mind, soul and strength.

That is, I begin to think of You every waking moment,

Smiling to myself at Your mighty acts and thoughtful deeds.

My heart skips a beat at the thought of being with You—

At seeing You one day!

My soul longs for You and I desperately seek Your presence, Your approval, Your applause.

I do all I know how to please You!

I mean, I dress to make You smile,

I do things just so that You can notice me.

I go places where I know You will be at, just to catch a glimpse of You.

I dance in Your presence in the hopes that You would come and join me—

Or at least notice me!

I wrap Your injuries as I care for those who are hurt.

I come and visit You when You’re alone by visiting those who are forgotten.

I skillfully prepare meals in hopes that You would enjoy them…

The destitute and hungry will testify of how enjoyable my meals are!

The essence of my poetry and lyrics will be my affection for You—

Oh how glorious!

So I want to start living like truly I have a love relationship with Jesus Christ.

Lyrics by tia 2004

Single Hearted: My Desire-2003

My Desire was written during my senior year of college, 03-03-03 to be exact. Still very single yet having gone through heart break, I expressed my desire in words that seem pretty sappy in retrospect, but makes me appreciate what I can enjoy now in marriage. In essence, it is a call to let my kingdoms fall allowing God to have sovereignty in my heart, then and now.

My Desire

I want to be in my man’s arms

Sit comfortably against his chest

Have him whisper comforting words in my ear

Converse with him

On the struggles of life

Have him join me in supplication unto God

Through Jesus Christ

I want to smell a whiff of his cologne

And know that I am not alone

That someone is willing to hear me

Not judge or advise me

Just hold me

I’ll have to let him know

That I would willingly receive his love

If he would let me love him in return

I want to feel his touch

Oh and if that weren’t enough

To hear his concern and tease

And laugh or cry with easy

It’s okay- I can be myself all day

Shifts in moods we may endure

We’ll learn to love in spite of it, even more

Fall for me at first glimpse

Or not realize his feelings until

Until maybe I lure him with my charm

Or grip his heart with my song

Or would he see the Glory of his God in me?

Will he recognize the produce of the Spirit,

And be drawn by it?

Will he take note and keep it in his heart

Vowing his love for me will never part

Simply under the sanction of God

To begin something very special

If I would undue my tight grip about this

Capture once again the love for God that I so miss

And desire more than a tender kiss

From the one I would love

If I let go of this world’s good

And follow after God everyway that I could

Knowing full well that He will lead me on

To something superb

If I would let my kingdoms fall

Placing down the idols I’ve adored

Including this man of my dreams

It all turns out to be in vain,

If you know what I mean

Once I get what I think I want,

One day I’ll be bored

And realize that God alone,

Should have been my one and all.

I want the God of my salvation to meet me

And bear me in His embrace

To touch my mind and heart

And enlarge them,

Causing me to know

That the greatest love is in Him

And the finest of things belongs to me

If I would just fear Him

With my innermost being

All that’s within

And put away all forms of sin

Including idolatry and covetousness

Exchanging them for purity and righteousness

Only until then will I experience

The humanly love that God has in store

If I place it in His hands

And walk away

Desiring nothing more than to please Him

If I seek first the kingdom…

Which is the solution to all of this

What more does It say?

All things will be added unto me

I have to yield to Him everyday

And understand the significance of my reverence

To fully and willingly take hold, for this

Is what I want, what I need

What I desire

03-03-03